Let's forget for a moment that your cute date for New Year's Eve drank way too much whiskey and couldn't walk you to the door. Let's even forget that an ex boyfriend from two years ago swore eternal love and marriage and then spun out the dating revolving door 120 days later, only to repeat his hopeless romantic dating pattern with someone new; again and again and again. And let's also forget that the man who told you he absolutely would never, ever under any circumstance date or marry a woman with small children did exactly that.
What's past is past.
Let's focus now instead on the future of dating.
Picture it: Anywhere in the world, 2011. He contacts you online. After a few email flurries back and forth, you decide to go to the next level: a phone call.
"But, wait, Dr. Fayr!" you protest. "2011? That's NOT the future. It's NOW!"
That's right, Virginia. The future of dating is happening now.
Back to the picture:
After a brief phone call and an agreement to speak again, you start thinking he's going to be asking you out soon for a romantic, candlelit dinner. After all, he did tell you what a passionate man he is.
Two days later, he proves it. Sorta.
Only, not with a call for a romantic dinner date. And...well...his definition of romance doesn't exactly fit the one in your head.
Instead, you wake up early one morning to a text message.
"Hey, sexy," it begins; not exactly in keeping with the gentlemanly demeanor on the phone a couple days earlier.
"Mmmmm. Just woke up thinking about you."
That's nice, you rationalize as you wipe the sleep from your groggy eyes. He's been on your mind as well.
"Why don't you show me your sexy side?" he asks.
And then he sends it: the smiley wink icon.
You text back, "Not sure I know what you mean?"
A minute passes and then comes the texted picture of "Mr. Happy" in all its engorged glory.
What goes through you emotionally at this moment? Joy? Jubilation? Disgust? Disappointment? Does part of you want to join in the "fun" or did you just throw up in your mouth?
There was no dinner, no wine, no romantic walk where he slipped his hand in yours and you discovered you had so many little things in common. And no moment of escalated romantic tension where he stops mid stroll, brushes the hair from your face and leans in gently for that first blissful kiss.
Welcome to the future of dating. Or should I say not dating. The decision you make now will determine the direction of this new found "relationship" and guide your self esteem.
Let's look at just two options:
1) You join in the "fun" (for him) and sext until he gets off: off sexually and then off the text with you. Your needs? What needs? He is already in the shower getting ready for the day. He didn't text you at 7 a.m. to see how randy you were. He either never texts again (You cyber slut, you. You are just one of many on his sexting hit list.) or he keeps texting you--any time he needs a release.
Romantic dinner, first special kiss?
Dating in the future is not about the effort. It's about getting to the cut-to-the-chase result. Skip the romance. Skip the foreplay. Go straight to the wham-bam. Forget the "thank you, ma'am."
2) You decide you want to find a man who will respect you and treat you like the lady/goddess/princess/wonderful, cool gal that you are and text back, "Sorry. I really don't know you well enough for this." He either respects you, apologizes without making the excuse that you are just so hot that he couldn't help himself and suggests a time, date and place for you to meet in person on a real date or he chastises you for being a snob/tease/emotionally insecure/frigid little girl and tells you he is looking for a mature, giving woman with passion for life. In other words, he wants a cyber slut, not a girlfriend.
Why is this happening? Because, dear Virginia, as I often say,"Everything is out there." And since technology is making it easier to hook up, get off and move on, people who are so inclined to do so ...are doing so.
And since the future is now, NOW is the time for you to decide what it is you really want in your life. Letting the serial sexters into your life to have their cyber way with you while all the time hoping that one will stick around and get to know the real you is...are you sitting down? Delusional.
Don't do that to yourself, unless that is the lid that fits your pot. If not, don't fall victim to the manipulation that you fell for in high school; you know...the guilt trip about being a prude and not cool. Fast men still go for low hanging fruit and you do have a choice where you are in the tree.
DR. FAYR BARKLEY, PH.D., IS A HUMAN BEHAVIOR
EXPERT, BASED IN BEVERLY HILLS, CA, AND IS THE FOREMOST WORLD EXPERT ON
THE COUGAR/CUB DATING PHENOMENON.