It’s quite humbling to admit that for years I didn’t choose what I wanted, I reacted to the circumstances of life the best I could. It would go something like this, “Given what’s going on, what’s the best I can make of it? Lemonade out of lemons.”
Except I was literally rearranging my limitations. Like rearranging furniture, looks good for a while, might even have better fung shei, yet it’s still the same furniture and same room.
People used to tell me, Think out of the box. They’d draw diagrams and take me through guided meditations to release the limiting beliefs and truly ‘design change’ in my life from the inside out.
It must made my brain hurt, thinking so much, trying to figure it out, second guessing myself and driving myself bonkers.
It wasn’t until I crept under my ‘desires’ and became aware of the WHY behind all my actions that true healing, transformation and authentic change occur.
You see since a little girl, I wanted drunk Dad or disconnected Mom to pay attention to me so I didn’t get lectured or worse. So every action I took to be loved, seen, appreciated, noticed, valued etc. ALSO had an underlying reason… so I’d be safe. Because it I didn’t capture their attention somehow, the lectures or worse would begin and I wasn’t safe.
I never realized that I had truly never exhaled. Never honestly asked what I wanted… what I reeeealy wanted… because every choice had to end in SAFE.
So I began to challenge this. Did I really need external circumstances to line up to be safe? The little 5 yr old in me thought so, but the older 42 year old could see I was sitting in the backyard, completely out of control about what will happen next, most likely I’ll do a coaching call and yet honestly, I had no clue if a wind storm would blow up and take down the power… I mean really, safety from the outside in just couldn’t be counted on.
Nor could looking good.
Nor could making sure I’d never be rejected.
Nor could controlling a damn thing.
And so I began to find a sense of safety and security on the inside, with my breathe, with dance, with meditation, with God, with how I felt in nature… not frequently but more and more regularly I began to feel happy for no external reason and began to ask What would it take for me to truly be ME? Authentic pure me? Not the one manipulating situations to be safe, just regular out magnificent me?
This is when my true capacity to Design Change occurred. I no longer needed an outcome to be safe, no longer needed to be liked to be safe, no longer needed to guarantee an outcome to be safe and so I could powerfully and creatively choose what I was ready to have in my life based on me, based on choice, just because.
It became tremendously freeing, liberating and at times almost overwhelming in a good way for I saw that I could create anything, be anything, move forward in any direction I chose. I began to trust my body more, lightness and expansion and tingles as a YES, heaviness, contraction and lead weight in the belly as a NO.
Now as I design change in my life I let go of the how and choose what makes me feel pleasure, delight, expansion and ME. I sit in this energetically and if it feels light I simply take one step toward it which opens the next step. I do have moments where I wish I knew the outcome, wish I knew that it would all work out.. then I remember leaving Canada on Uncle Phil’s semi for Hollywood, failing miserably because I was Visa’less to work there, and ended up in a 4 year successful run in Tokyo modeling on runways, billboards, commercials and videos.
You see I followed the energy. Didn’t consciously call it that then, but it felt right. You couldn’t convince me otherwise. And yet I ‘failed’ on my way to success. You see I couldn’t have gone from Canada to Tokyo. Life was weaving me, growing me, expanding me through LA to prepare me for Japan.
So as you Design your Change this year, follow the energy, follow the lightness, take one step a day, and be OK if a left turn occurs knowing it’s going to be EVEN BETTER than you could have imagined.
When you shift from hoping or trying to truly committing and designing your change, the Universe hears you and supports you beyond your imagination.
And if moving past that place of safety like I shared is a lot for you, know that while I am a magnificent coach, I too have worked with several coaches in my day, for I can’t see my blind spots either. It might be time for you to invest in your freedom, your future, your dreams and align with someone who’s walked that path and is on the other side, someone like myself. Whether it is for a relationship, work, family… it always begins with our relationship with ourselves. Let’s connect should my words resonate with you.
I am humbled by the gift I have to give to people to set them free of the past and deliver them home to their most magnificent selves where ever answer lies.
Happy glorious new year my friend, choose what you really really want, what you’re willing to have, what gives your goose bumps of delight to experience, have your birthright this year. Huge delicious love, Allana